A Day at The Saxon, A Day I Needed

“We shall not cease from exploration And the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started And know the place for the first time.” – Walt Whitman

There are two music venues dear to my heart, the Saxon Pub and Buck’s Backyard. Both are special to me not because of lighting but because of the people. Each is different medicine for me. Last night, I needed the Saxon. Last night, I received a blessing that not only cleared my mind but put it back on the path I had been walking. A path that, until last night, I didn’t fully understand. We are family.

Lately, my thoughts and thus my words, have been confused and negative. Listless, I believe I stated a couple of weeks ago, was my walk. Uncertainty, indecision, and revision were the tools being utilized to make the strategy of my forward movement. The photo above I created. It accurately describes the past few months. The title is “Life is not a Rollercoaster.” (Start in the lower left and follow the gradual changes of color till you reach the end on the right side.) The storms of life are not a rollercoaster. In similiarity, storms and rollercoasters have their ups and downs, twists and turns, but a rollercoaster always has a defined path and a certainty of returning to a known place, storms are like a tossing sea. My belief in God keeps me from sinking but it is the connections to you, placed before me, that awaken me and let me know, I am needed. Whether you believe or not, you are his instrument in my life.

I open up to you about the following not for sympathy but to give you an understanding and to let those who may be going through trials in their life, some far worse than mine, that you need to persevere. As someone was there for me last night, I make myself available to you. I am a great listener. We are in this together.

In a nutshell, I began an adventure four years ago that became a crusade, a mission, a destination, a task, and a future. I did so without the council of the one person who means the most to me, my wife. This adventure, unbeknownst to me began to alienate her. Health issues, preventing her from joining me, further pushed her aside. Her mom and step-dad dying, friends abandoning her, additional health issues began to take their toll on her and me as well. Atop this, our daughter has not allowed us to see our two grandsons for over two and a half years. They live 15 minutes away. Without detail, we were “bad” parents. We have missed our oldest grandsons 16th birthday and will miss his 18th in a couple of months. Additionally, we have missed our youngests 13th. We will likely miss our oldest graduating high school next year. This year, I left my day job of sixteen plus years. For the first time in 44 years of working, I am the “Master” of my day. It has been a mental adjustment to say the least. Needless to say, these past few months have not been the easiest for Emily and I. In October we will celebrate our 40th anniversary and there have been days this year, if not for the car being in the shop, one of us would have left. This year, has been tough.

I have entered the world of being a creator, an artist, and I am excited. I regret how and when I left my day job but am at peace not being there. It needed to happen years ago. I truly was a dead man walking. Not today, though uncertainty is ever present, I am excited and passionate. There is not a single doubt in my focus, “to understand” and “to create.” It’s the mechanics of doing so that I am having to “painfully” learn, admist the turmoil of the above. Turmoil that hides and makes one doubt. Turmoil that causes bad decisions. Such is the need for friends. Friends have reached out to me. Last night a friend touched my soul.

I was outside the Saxon Pub chatting. A friend, (I will not reveal the name. This is private.) I haven’t seen in a while, saw me and called me aside. Having seen a post of mine a couple of weeks ago, he asked me some questions. He reminded me that we, in this music environment, are all part of a family. Though many people have told me and shown me, (A party was given in my honor earlier this year.), I still felt that I was outside looking in via my camera. Last night, timing is everything, my perspective changed. What this friend said to me and did for me had me in a contemplative shock the rest of the night. Speechless, grateful, and determined to persevere filled my mind but differently.

I am reading a book by Annie Duke titled: “Quit: The Power of Knowing When to Walk Away.” I am reading it because I am in search of understanding the current desire to stop. I have just started but I am here to tell you that it has already postively impacted my life. The discussion of poker helped me to make a positive strategic maneuver so that I can keep going forward. Last night, was the confirmation I needed.

For the past four years, I have been actively out and about covering the local live music scene of Austin. Proudly, I would say three to four nights a week. Even this allottment was not enough to do what I wanted to do. I had been given advice about running the marathon. I didn’t ignore but thought I was managing. Nope, I was not. I have a new plan of action.

I will be reducing my footprint in covering this amazing environment. Put a different way, I will be more strategic. I cannot be everywhere. I cannot cover everyone but saying that does not mean that I will focus on a few. There is a message I want to convey to the world. “The local live music environment is exhilarating, exciting, fun, and good medicine. It is worthy of everyone’s participation and support.” You amazing people serve us in so many ways. I want the world to know why Austin, despite its issues, is the place to be. In covering you though, I have to take care of my responsibilities. I also have to make certain my soul is fed. I will always be there for you. Never hesitate to reach out. I understand the difficulty of your schedule, and life. I understand better than you may realize.

Together, we are in this. Together, we will make the local live music environment of Austin the envy of the world. I envision people coming to Austin to see the local music scene with the same enthusiasm that they come for ACL and SXSW. It can and it will happen. But, there needs to be some tough love spoken. I need it and you need it. My tough love for you is this. “Unify!” I need you all to rise above the issues that plague the music environment of Austin. This enviroment is fragmented. I am not taking about genres of music. I ask of you the following:

Put aside the bitterness and feuds and together come up with a message that attracts outsiders to want to come enjoy the local music scene. Stop yearning for the past. Let’s create a new future. Let’s create a new vocabulary. “Live Music Capital of the World” is a slogan not a mantra. I will start:

“Austin Music, Experience It!”